19 Welsh jokes that are pretty much the best ones ever told
1.
Vanessa Porter/Flickr
Dai is at the car boot sale when an American tourist comes by. Pointing to a skull on display in Dai's car, he says: “Whose skull is that?”
“That,” says Dai profoundly, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr. It's yours for £10.”
“Incredible,” says the American. “I'll take it.”
Some weeks later, Dai is at the car boot sale when the same American walks past and notices a much smaller skull for sale.
“Whose skull it that?” asks the American.
“That,” says Dai in a practised voice, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr.”
“Hang on,” says the American. “You sold me the skull of Owain Glyndwr a few weeks ago.”
“Aye,” says Dai. “This is when he was a boy.”
2.
A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
“Young man,” he declared, “do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?”
“Oh, hell,” replied the drunkard. “I could have sworn this was the bus to Llanelli.”
3.
Bev Sykes/Flickr
A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr Jones in the small village of Llanfair and give him the coded message: “The tulips are blooming well today.”
Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage.
He knocked on the door and the owner emerged: “Are you Mr Jones?”
“I am.”
“The tulips are blooming well today.”
Mr Jones stared at him in amazement then smiled: “Ah, you must have the wrong house.
“It's Jones the Spy you want.”
4.
Michele W/Flickr
A tourist sauntered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and said: “what's the quickest way to get to Brecon from here?
Rhodri the landlord answered: “Are you walking or going by car?”
The tourist answered: “By car, of course.”
Rhodri said: “Well, that's the quickest way.”
5.
Dai was watching a Six Nations game in Cardiff.
In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.
“Whose is that seat?” asked a man in the row behind.
“I got the ticket for my wife,” said Dai. “But she died in an accident.”
“So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?”
“No,” said the fan, “I offered it to all of my friends.”
“So why didn’t they take it?”
“They’ve all gone to the funeral.”
6.
Warren Gatland and Stuart Lancaster are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.
In heaven, they are greeted by God and Lancaster is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear Bread of Heaven and Hen Wlad fy Nhadau.
He looked up to see a great palace with statues of Barry John and Gareth Edwards and a party in the garden had Brains SA flowing freely as the crowd watched Scott Gibbs scoring his try against England in 1999. Lancaster went to the Lord and said: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful - but why does Warren get the huge mansion?”
God said: “You’ve got it all wrong! That’s not Warren’s place - it’s mine.”
7.
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name.
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8.
Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.
“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”
So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end.
Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief.
“Mr Jones, I’ve been doing this for 20 years and no-one’s ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?”
“Aye,” Jones replies. “When Berwyn fell out.”
9.
Tambako The Jaguar/Flickr
A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream. He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”
The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.
But still the man couldn't hear him.
Finally the farmer walked right up to him and repeated his warning. To which the man replied: “Dreadfully sorry, my good man, I can't understand a word you say. Can you speak English, old chap?”
“Oh I see,” said the farmer. “I was just saying if you use both hands you can get more in.”
10.
Steven Zolneczko/Flickr
An Englishman, Scotsman and Welshman walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of Brain’s but, as they’re served, a fly lands in each pint.
The Englishman immediately pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman thinks for a few seconds, shrugs, and also pushes the pint away.
The Welshman turns bright red, picks the fly out of the beer and holds it over his glass shouting: “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!”
11.
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
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12.
A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.
The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my dad before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”
Whoosh, and so it was.
The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.”
Bang, there was a wall around England.
The Welshman says: “Tell me more about this wall.”
The genie says: “It’s 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.”
The Welshman says: “Fill it with water.”
13.
Young Dylan comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful,“ says his mam. “What part is it?”
The boy says: “I play the part of the Welsh husband.”
The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell them you want a speaking part.”
14.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first married a Greek girl and told her that she was to do the dishes and cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house.
The second man married a Thai girl and gave her the same orders, to do all the cleaning and cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but by the third his house was clean and dinner was on the table.
The third man married a Welsh girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed and dinner ready for 6pm.
For the first two days he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
15.
Kristin "Shoe" Shoemaker/Flickr
On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
16.
I live in London and people often say to me: “You miss Wales?”
I say: “No, I look nothing like her. She’s got long blonde hair and wears a sash.”
17.
A Welshman is walking on the beach when he finds a brass oil lamp and a genie pops out and offers him three wishes.
The Welshman says: “I’ve no doubt what my first wish is, genie. Give me a bottle of Brain’s SA that never runs out!”
The genie hands him a bottle and the Welshman takes a long swig but it’s still full. He pours some into his hands and laps it up - and the bottle is still full. No matter how much he pours, the bottle never runs out.
“Master, you still have two more wishes,” says the genie.
“I know what I want,” says the Welshman. “Give me two more just like this.”
18.
After his election win, Dai insisted on everyone calling him Councillor Jones.
Coming back late from the pub after celebrating, he made a right noise trying to get into his house.
“Is that you Dai?” shouted his wife down the stairs.
“Certainly not,” he replied drunkenly. “It's Councillor Jones.”
“Well, come up quick then, we've only got a few minutes before Dai comes back from the pub.”
19.
Aled the farmer wanted to buy his neighbour's cow, but was shocked to learn it was £50.
“Here I am, your friend and neighbour, and you ask a price like that?” he said.
“Seeing you are my neighbour I'll give you a 20% discount,” said the neighbour.
Aled wasn't quite sure what this meant so he said: “I'll think about it.”
He was still trying to figure it out when he saw the local schoolmistress. He stopped her and said: “Miss Pugh, if I were to offer you £50, less 20% discount, what would you take off?”
Miss Pugh said: “Everything except my earrings.”
